An Ode to 2024
Who doesn't like a little year in review and self-reflection?
My year began in a blur. My anxiety was spinning, I was jumping between a promotion, a move, and travel. For the first time in 3 years, I gave myself a full week break before jumping into the next chapter, which immediately threw me into the deep end. I’ve ridden the rapids this year, and I’ve learned to navigate the currents of this life for the better.
Winter was tough. I was self-sabotaging my relationships and setting myself up for isolation. My new position meant a move, and so I found a studio and planned to live truly alone for the first time. Before this year, I thought it would be easy. I’ve lived independently a long time. For 8 years, I bounced between dorm rooms here and abroad, my parents’ homes, and my first apartment. But the loneliness of living alone like this sunk deeper than I could have prepared for - but I had to travel before I could think of that anyway.
For the second year in a row, I traveled to NYC. Each time I travel alone, the more I love it. It’s both nerve wracking and freeing. With mixed familiarity and awe of new, I explored the best bagel shops, dumpling spots, got a new tattoo, and walked half of Central Park. Then a message changed the trip. “Are your plans flexible? Get rewarded.” I’ve traveled a lot now, but this was the first time I’d gotten a flight change offer, and surprisingly, I needed it. My uncle’s cancer had progressed, and his party was the day I’d be flying home. So, I took the offer and made it just in time to join the party. It was the last time I saw him.
I mourned him before he was gone. We got a heads up when it would be soon, and I lost myself in grief. Growing up, my uncle felt like another big kid playing and rough housing with my sister and me. He never had kids of his own, but he bought play mats and toys for when we visited his place. I’d watch and hang out while he played video games. At Avalon, we walked on the docks and had deep talks with joking in between. When I got a new job, he helped me start on two feet and I saw his lifestyle and how hopeful and happy he was for his future. Then the day came. And it went. And I had to carry on.
Summer strengthened new friendships and featured my writing break through after a viewing of Big Fish. After years of creative drought, I finally was flowing with ideas again. A dear friend helped me find my voice and self-expression. In reflection, I found inspiration and growth. I’ve long had good confidence and longer been recognized for my authenticity, but when I would talk boastfully to friends, my words held little weight. All my friends had to go by were my words alone and their trust in me. Now I am focusing on my passions, more comfortable in my love, and sharing with others in action to back my words. Though it’s hard and uncomfortable, I am doing better at showing my work and not hiding myself and only revealing in parts. My world suddenly makes so much sense, and I know what my goal is.
In the Fall, as suddenly as it came, it was gone. I was back where I was 3 years ago wrapped in loss and self-pitying. I knew I was on a path to leave this version of me behind, and with her, her loves, and she wanted to hold on just a little bit longer. I struggled with wanting to withdraw and take a break and did so for a time. I worried I would fall into a pause I couldn’t escape easily again - rest sounded easy and nice. Even though the short break did give some respite, I began surrounding myself with things that inspire me, changing my creative diet. It pulled me out and back to work. I finished a fairy tale, more chapters in my book, discovered world lore, and even began designing a D&D campaign. The thing I think about now is what will the next story be? How excited I am to finish this project and move onto the next when its story will be cooked and ready.
Then came holiday season. For the first time, I bought myself a tree and baubles and lights. I taught the cat to leave the tree alone (mostly) (when he doesn’t want food). With White Christmas on in the background, I decorated my apartment. I gathered with family for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I prepared for a temporary promotion at work, and I figured out my first 5-year plan to help my job break deeper than the surface level. Throughout school, it’s bothered me how shallow my learning has been. Year after year, I learned a repeating cycle of the same lessons. Each year, same class and same teacher, began the cycle over from the start. When at last I thought it would go deeper in college, it remained unchanged. At work, I join trainings for specialized topics and each time I’m disappointed it’s just the basics. Too many trainings have bored me as technical trainings were derailed by Computers 101. Then half-trained, work pushes on 40 hours a week, in constant sweeping waves of forms and bureaucracy. It may take longer than 5 years, but I want to push to break into a new rhythm that offers real learning, breaks, and invests in change. Through this temporary promotion, I hope to use this period to set the stage needed to get there.
I did not expect to find motivation for writing like I did this year, and to find ambition for work surprises me all the more. In 2025 and entering my 30’s, I want to leave behind apathy. I want to care, and I want to care big. I want good and bad and to learn from all of it. No matter how small, to try to make a positive impact on others. To tell my lessons and to show them. I’ll write my stories and keep digging within for their reasons. With new and old friends, enjoy goofing around and embracing all the feelings around them. 2025 is not going to be a good year, but like Sam and Frodo, even the smallest person can make a difference. No matter how bleak, I’m entering this chapter with purpose.
Happy New Year.